There is excitement in the air. Life has been pretty good. The Terps are winning, I’m still employed. Those important to me are healthy. I’m hard at work on my crafts. I’m remembering my love of children again via my granddaughter. I’m almost through my least favorite season of weather.

But the call I made yesterday to schedule my checkup for cancer has done its usual magic and unnerved me. You would think after almost a decade of test that I’d get used to it. And in some ways you do. Those first tests after surgery, you really can’t relax till the results are known. And having gotten good and bad news, the process of relaxing about it never really happens.

It’s funny the different reactions I have at times to these. Just talking to the office and finding out what test they want starts the apprehension. I remember after the first cancer surgery that started the stopwatch effect. The finish line was the doctor’s office and the results which were sometimes a 4-6 week gap. I don’t go through that race anymore but I did the first few years.

I make the appointments because I have to and my wife won’t let them slip. She’s really good about that. Given my own devices, I might let them go because they scare me at times.

After a few years of cancer-free, you get confidence. Well, you get the feeling that maybe life is once again a long term proposition. And if your lucky you just build on that confidence but I’m thinking, you never lose that doubt. For some though it’s not over. Some cancers come back. I got a totally new one for my second go-round about 5-6 years after my first.

That, I think will always stick with me and sets another level of doubt that time probably won’t remove. The medical test are interesting. You have no control over them. Not like you can pull an all-nighter and study harder. A salad before the test isn’t going to make a difference.

I don’t mind blood test, piece of cake. I’m not a fan of the CT scans with the contrast. The blood test I can get results on fairly soon. Scan results wait till the appointment. So it looks like I’ll have to suck it up and get both of these and then go downtown Baltimore for my appointment sometime in March or April. But first I’ll eat at my lucky place, Kirbies on Redwood Street before that final meeting with oncologist/surgeon.

Now that I’m a veteran I’ll calm down and wait for the referrals for the test to come. I’ll schedule those tests and only fret about it the day they are done. Then I’ll relax again but usually about a week before my appointment my mind starts to wander, apprehension grows, concentration and focus are blurred. But on the day of the appointment, a calm usually enters me. One that inside says just go in with the hope for the best on your shoulder and heart. I’ve learned through thinking any other way that too many negative and horrible thoughts can enter into that world of bad news.

I think of the burden doctors carry in having to go to work each day and give out sometimes life-threatening news. Over and over. I’m guessing that is one task that never gets easy for them or their staff.

As usual, I should have started a post like this way in advance instead of throwing it together. There are so many emotions, thoughts and unknowns to deal with that it can be overwhelming. And I’m sure the experiences and the way they are dealt with are as numerous as the number of people that have to deal with these and other serious issues.

I know it might be hard to tell but forgive me if one or two of my post in the next month or two seemed more scatterbrained than usual.

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Random Thoughts of the Day

• I’ve got to stop this work so I can get to work to prepare for more work.
• When I have a late-night it usually involves seeing the sunrise.
• The longer your in love the better it gets.
• I hear the ice cream calling me but I must resist.
• Please ask the ice cream to be quiet. I can’t hold out much longer.