Some days I have trouble focusing. That isn’t entirely bad, sometimes I’ve made some great strides by stepping away from the computer to the easel to the workroom, then picking up the cameras and heading out. Like this post, which I started yesterday.

It’s good when I hit a sticking point or that I complete a step in the painting and want to look more closely or think about modifying my idea. After photo editing for a few hours, sometimes I must get up and away from the screen.

I thought I would lose that feeling of being lazy if I relaxed or slept. I haven’t. And when I do those things the flashback to beat myself up over it seems to be returning.

My mind feels like it’s in a million fragments. Split between decades of warring factions for my time and efforts.

When I started to schedule my time, it worked for a bit but then it became uncomfortable. Most of my life I’ve had to be very flexible. Able to respond to emergencies at all hours. At the same time having several projects and regular duties. So, my normal comfort zone is moving from task to task, task to project, project to project, project to meeting, meeting to meeting and emergencies thrown in between each often. And the fun days of going from emergency to emergency or the best one, multiple system or network failures at the same time.

Doing the job of two people is nice job security when they are only paying you for one. Makes it hard to replace you. It also helped me at times with my outspoken personality at times. That and some good people around me, that stood up for me.

Now I’m my own boss. It might look like I don’t work as hard as I used to. But in creative ways I do and much more. I like learning, observing, thinking and practicing. While a picture or carving might be good in time when I acquire some more skills, that work before it will be significant and maybe the most enjoyable part.

As I think back to my professional career, the journey was the fun part. There were several moves in positions that challenged me in ways I didn’t know I could accomplish. Some technical, some managerial, some personal.

People made it fun along the way and I’m grateful for that. I don’t have that so far in my retirement pursuits. Not that I don’t have people around me, just not working together on my arts. That was why I was kind of excited when my granddaughter seemed to like drawing with me.

Part of the dynamic that made me better was working with others. I’m feeling the need to return to that in the future in some way.