I thought I knew what pain was till I saw my sister grieving the loss of her son this morning. Losing a child as a parent unexpectedly looks like the most emotionally painful experience I’ve ever seen someone go through. Trying to describe it is useless. I can’t get my head around the loss trying to understand it.

I’m emotionally drained from just trying to support my sister. She just went to bed but I doubt she sleeps much unless her body shuts down from exhaustion. It’s almost like the body can’t release enough pain to get through it.

I saw and heard some things today that take me back to difficult times of loss. My sister and I lost our father at 9 and 7. That was an especially hard time for her and I saw that pain return today but even more profound. When she was in the hospital bed I saw some of my Mom’s pain on her face.

I had to call the funeral home that I was last at for my mother’s arrangements and that will be a difficult process to repeat. But one I will gladly take care of for her as much as possible. But it won’t be easy. I guess neither of us deals well with death.

I met one of his best friends who had selected Michael as godfather to his new child. I met many other of his Fire/EMT friends today. I’m glad he had such a good number of friends and ones that seemed touched by his loss.

Life throws so many curves. This past weekend I have been so excited that my own son is expecting his first child any day now. Then the frantic call from my sister this morning of her son dying.

I don’t know what to feel sitting here the few minutes she has fallen asleep. I probably won’t sleep much because I’m pretty sure she will be up grieving again.

Life was so unfair to Michael. Leukemia when he was in his teens and now passing in his mid-30s. I don’t know what to think about after people pass but I always like to believe they are now in the arms of loved ones who have gone before. So I’m going to imagine him running into his father’s arms (another one that died too young) and then being embraced by his grandparents.

I can remember the call the day he was born, I was out of town but so happy that my Mom had a grandchild and my sister had her first. I never imagined this day.

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Random Thoughts of the Day

• I’m thinking it’s wise advice to live as much as possible each day.
• I’m thinking that we might not have enough kleenex in the house.
• I’m thinking I had better eat something today.
• 95% of the time the two tags and categories I select are photography and life. Today I felt wrong about selecting Life as one of them.