THREW Mikes EyEz

Original Writings, Images, Video and Artworks of Mike Hartley

Tag Archives: death


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Goodbye

Yesterday I saw a note about an old high school classmate who passed. It was kind of surprising because I saw her for the first time since high school at our 50th reunion. She looked healthy and was even on the walk the day after the reunion.

I got a chance to talk a little bit with her at the reunion. After the walk around the lake the next morning everyone was going over to Whole Foods for a snack before splitting up again. I ran over to my car and got two pictures I had found in my old HS yearbook. One was her and one was for another old friend who grew up the street from me.

The shot of Helen was from when I did yearbook photography, and it was of her with the homecoming court because she was the Homecoming Queen. She was in her cheerleader uniform because it was halftime at a football game where they were announcing the homecoming court for our senior year.

When I caught up, she was still walking up outside, and I gave her the shot. It was black and white and only 5×7, but she looked deeply at it for a bit, slowing her walk substantially. 50 years ago, is a lot to look back at yourself. She looked up and smiled and said thank you and started to hand it back to me, but I said it was hers. She slowly slid it into her purse, and we joined a number of friends in the food court for lunch.

We talked a little there and went our own ways. I wonder if she was sick then and not sharing it with anyone. She looked good so I didn’t suspect a thing. But a lot of us have been through some trials and face things while looking completely or almost normal. But for some reason her death less than 3 months after seeing and sharing with her startled me a bit.

I’m glad I was able to catch up with her, hopefully the picture gave her a few more smiles. I just downloaded the group shot that was taken at the end of the reunion. I looked at her face and many others. I saw people that day that were very at ease with each other. None of that teenage awkwardness. People introducing spouses, discussing careers and retirement, catching up and sharing names and events with laugher. Hugs and handshakes, goodbye again not thinking we won’t be here tomorrow.

Seems like yesterday we entered high school and then graduated. Seems like yesterday that I retired, went to my high school reunion and remembered.

So thankful for the reminder of how precious each day is and hoping to make the best of it today and tomorrow if I’m granted such a gift. Rest easy Helen.

Marking the years. Photo by Mike Hartley


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Philly and back

We attended my wife’s uncle’s funeral services today in Philadelphia. Picking up my brother in-law and sister in-law on the way up. Leaving before the sun came up and getting back as it had set. The service was very nice. We had lunch, got some Philly Soft Pretzels and some bakery goods.

My better half and her family are from Philly originally before moving to the suburbs of Baltimore. So, all their family is from there. It’s a great group of people and this leaves only one Aunt still alive and kicking strong. Her husband passed, 13 years ago. He was a fellow lifer in the newspaper business like me, so we hit it off very well. He worked for the Philadelphia Inquirer and I worked for the Washington Post. I miss him greatly. His children and wife are always so welcoming and seem so glad to see me.

After spending about 6 hours behind the wheel today on interstates and city streets not totally clear of the weekend’s snowstorm, I’m back at my desk and ready to ready to create more useless space on the internet.

But before I get back to my twisted programming.

A Couple of Takeaways from Today –

  • Family is important and can be a great source of support and strength.
  • Life is short. And uncle Ron lived to 92. And I know he thought it went by in a flash.
  • Faith and love can carry people a long way in life.
  • It’s very hard to carry on without your longtime better half.
  • Holding hands is a sign of deep love. Especially when the same person has been beside your side for a long time.
  • I don’t deal well with death. It brings back very difficult memories.
Goodbye Uncle Ron. Photo by Mike Hartley


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Pause

Another old work friend reached out and told me about the passing of another coworker I was close with. He was one of the “Lifers” at the job. I had the pleasure of working closely with him for about 7 years but shared almost 20 years in the same area.

In many ways he was the most important mentor I ever experienced in my career. The man was talented far beyond what little credit was given to him. He was extremely knowledgeable and would prepare with precision.

He kept to himself pretty much, but we seemed to click, and he took me under his wing. We would take breaks together, sometimes meet for breakfast before a long day at a remote data center where we knew lunch would be unlikely.

Even though he worked there for decades he was the consummate behind the scenes professional. A very important one. One of those that keeps a daily paper a daily paper or the website up and running 24/7 without fanfare.

Actually, we shared a lot of laughs and saw a lot of the same irony about the workplace. We also had each others backs which wasn’t all to common.

May you rest in peace John. And thank you for making our time together fun and rewarding.

May the breeze be at your back. Photo by Mike Hartley

Random Thoughts of the Day

  • It’s a few weeks early to declare victory but I may have made it through another grass cutting season.
  • I saw one of those old timer quotes that said, “I’m so old, my high school had a smoking area.” Well, I’m so old that we smoked in the school bathrooms till they came up with the idea of smoking areas.
  • Watching my better half sleep makes me smile.
  • A ton of accomplishments so far and the day is only halfway through.


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Life and death and life

A day of contrast ahead for me. I’m very excited about having time today to work on my hobbies and create. I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday, I hope that isn’t just the morning energy masking something but I’m going with the feeling.

This stage of life always presents more loss because it’s just the way life works. People get old and pass. After all this good feeling this morning and lots of shooting and maybe some drawing and carving, I’ll get ready to go to a viewing of an old friend.

After that I’ll come home and watch the Maryland basketball game and feel upbeat again. I think that is a lesson I’m learning gradually. It’s okay to get living again quickly while also mourning those who have passed.

Because we should get on with living each day to its maximum potential. I haven’t been too good at this in the past, but over time I’ve gotten a bit better. Each passing seems to take a chip out of my heart. Sometimes I’ve been able to rebuild, sometimes not.

Each year there is a loss. This one will be no different. One of my best friends last year had so many services to attend I remember him talking about how draining and difficult it was a few weeks ago.

I belong to a couple of alumni groups from former employers. I love looking at photos and memories people share, and I contribute also from my stash of history but the number of people passing is disheartening at times to where you open the group with trepidation.


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Later

I was reading a text this week about a friend and how the family was together when their loved one passed. It got me thinking this morning about saying final goodbyes to loved ones and friends because it is so different every time. Covid brought on some circumstances that were impossible for families. Loved ones dying alone. Both of my better half’s parents passed during this time, not from covid but certainly affected greatly by it.

In one case the father was failing and couldn’t be seen for weeks at the hospital and for the life of him couldn’t understand why we weren’t coming to see him, because of covid restrictions. When he got to the hospice stage the choice was a facility where he still couldn’t be seen. The family brought him to one of the son’s homes and for almost 2 days the family got to say goodbye. But by that stage, it was limited because at that point he couldn’t respond to much at all. That time in the hospital when so much could have been shared had passed.

As bad as that was not seeing him for weeks before he passed and only through a window for months before because of covid lockdowns there was worse to come. We took the mother out of the assisted living so she wouldn’t be all alone with only window visitors and moved her in with family. That went well but after a few months, she started to fade. Despite her getting healthier after his death and getting back to her more normal self over the following months she took a turn for the worse and had to go to the hospital also.

Again nobody could see her. Pure torture for families. But those were the times. But she started to bounce back again after a few weeks and went to rehab. And the day she was going from rehab back to her nursing facility, she took a bad turn for the worse and was back in the hospital where we were waiting on a call to see her because they allow family in if it’s terminal. They didn’t think it was but a few hours later she passed alone. That was 2 years ago today.

After experiencing people passing in several ways with family and friends I had the following thoughts.

  • If you loved a person deeply they knew you loved them. Being if you’re there with them at the end or not.
  • I believe it’s what you do along in life that is with the person at the end, not if they squeeze your hand tightly or not.
  • I have been with loved ones in their final moments and I’ve missed being with loved ones in their final moments. Again it doesn’t matter if you are there or not at the end. It’s all those times before.
  • In some cases, you might think it’s better to be with them as they pass but that hasn’t been my personal experience. I found my dad dying at 9 in the basement and after dementia and a stroke ate my mother I had to watch her in hospice for 12 days before she passed. Both were sheer torture.
  • In some cases, it is great to be with them. The few moments we had with my father-in-law at the end were punctuated by my very young granddaughter reaching out to his arm and just holding it and looking at him. Many of his children were extremely happy they had a few moments with him at the end.
  • Some people beat themselves up over not being there and they really shouldn’t if they made their best effort or circumstances dictated it impossible.
  • There are some passing that people will never be able to recover from. A loss of a child. A LONG term lifelong partner. There are some who can’t move on from the normal losses in life. These people shouldn’t be looked down upon because they can’t move past it or take longer than others. Each person’s grief is their own and nobody else’s. And how they deal with it in their timeframe is how they deal with it.
  • Some like to remember the day and honor it and some don’t like to be reminded of it. Some honor in very public ways and other very privately.
  • Some feel relief when a person’s long-term suffering ends. But then that relief turns to guilt for feeling that way. It shouldn’t.
  • All can acknowledge it is part of the life process. But there is nothing normal about it and it is one of the hardest things to endure for many.
  • Don’t feel anger towards people who are good at maybe moving on or compartmentalizing their grief or pain. Never assume they aren’t hurting just as badly but doesn’t show or share it.

Hello and Goodbye, Mom,

I found this draft below about my mother-in-law that I never posted, today is the anniversary of her passing and I figured I better share it now than never. I wrote it almost 2 years ago.

My Mother-in-law was laid to rest less than a week ago. A very tough time for her family and those she touched. I had the thought the day after she passed that this was the first time in my lifetime I had nobody to call Mom anymore. My own Mom passed almost a decade ago but I was blessed with a Mother-in-law that treated me like her own son. It was very comforting having a mother figure in the family to carry on.

Having someone to call you the best son or the best son-in-law was music to my ears. Of course, I was the only son and son-in-law so that made it kind of easy for them. But I tried like I wanted to be the best. I will miss many things about losing my father and mother-in-law this year. First just the simple truth, that generation is gone from our immediate family. We had 4 generations going for a while there, now we are back to 3 and that is where it will stay for a while. And the next great-grandmother and great-grandfather could be us.

I will miss her warm embrace. I will miss her question “how are you Mike” because it was asked with such conviction. And of course, the follow-up question of “how are the children” and in the last few years “how is that grandchild doing” and nothing less than a full dissertation of what had transpired between the last time we saw each other was required. How wonderful those simple questions are when the person asking hangs on the reply.

I will miss her during the holidays when the family would gather. I will miss stopping by their home for no other reason than to say hello. I will miss the stories of siblings and their children. I will miss her sitting in her favorite wing chair. And I will always see her in the favorite chair she had at our home for the last several months. I will miss seeing her and dad sitting on the front porch on the bench we got them. I still see the worry if she had enough food even though there were always leftovers. I guess when you’ve been feeding a small army all your life you might worry about those things.

I think about how touched she was by personal gifts. But it was seeing her family and friends that made her light up. She and Dad were both the driving force in the family’s faith. She was so humble and aware of those in need of help. For a very petite frame, she was full of love. Her many grandchildren have a void that only memories can fill now.

I can never thank her and dad enough for the gift of my better half. She completed me in this lifetime.

I remember holidays being forever changed when my parents passed and this is certainly no exception this year. We have been so busy till this morning that I realized I hadn’t gotten a live tree for the upstairs. That is a first in itself.