THREW Mikes EyEz

Original Writings, Images, Video and Artworks of Mike Hartley

Category Archives: Cancer


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Nice work

The 30 For 30 special on ESPN about Stuart Scott and his battle with cancer was good last night. We share a lot of the same thoughts about cancer. I guess a lot of people do. We live for our children and family.

I remember hearing the first time I had cancer. I thought it was a death sentence then just as he did and many others do when they hear that word and their health mixed for the first time.

Years later again I heard those words a second time and I started to wonder about life again. I may not be as good as some or how Stuart attacked his cancer, but I still try to make good use of time.

Very early next year there is another test for me. But nothing has changed in my feelings. Stuart passed much earlier in life when his own children were young. Mine are grown but I have grandchildren and love them very much and want to be part of their lives for a long time. And of course, my life partner who gives me strength and love daily.

There are so many emotions when facing any health challenge. I’m just as terrified of that word now as I was before I had any experience with it.

Be YOURSELF. Don’t let cancer change who you are.

This organization does a lot for cancer research and is one I donate to because 100% of the donation goes to research. V Foundation

See you soon. Photo by Mike Hartley


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Surviving

I heard someone say a week or two ago that it was cancer survivor’s month. So, I Googled it and it says – June is National Cancer Survivors Month and health officials say healing is not only about healing your body but also your mind.

My body has healed a couple of times from cancer. My mind, not so much. It’s hard to put it out of your mind when you’re getting tested. I had almost put it out of my mind after the first one. After 5 years they switched to an annual checkup, but two years later a new cancer appeared. After the second bout, I haven’t been the same.

In some ways that is good. As the saying goes – Make the rest of your life, the best of your life. And I try to remember that each day. But I have this constant concern. Somewhat due to being tested more often the last few years.

I am fixated on the cancer aspect of health because it seems the most threatening. Each commercial for any medicine I see for various cancers gives me the creeps. Just from the list of side effects alone. Each day you hear or know about someone’s fight with it.

If memory serves me right, 1 in 3 will deal with it. I also think I saw the stat of 18 million survivors in the US, so we have a lot of company.

I remember statistics meaning nothing when you get it. I didn’t care what percentage of people come down with that type and survive it. I just wondered if I would be on the wrong side of the numbers. You may be interested in what the numbers are for survival but even that is a scary question to ask the doctor. People want to know those, so they can encourage you, or comfort you.

You do your best to live each day. As a senior though I keep wondering if a new ache or pain is something else. I try not to focus on it or even go there but it’s impossible some days. Another good reason to stay active and keep the mind busy with other things.

I was thinking about it today because one of my sister in-laws sister, is undergoing cancer surgery today. I wish her the best and will drop them a note later. I think about a few friends it’s taken already. Last night I saw a bandage on a very close friend from surgery.

So, it’s not possible to ignore when so many are battling. I’m just not interesting in going another round with it.

I hope I never have to go through those doors again. Photo by Mike Hartley


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Live each day

I see by the flood of emails from organizations I support, it’s World Cancer Day.

The V Foundation says- It’s a day of encouraging those faced with cancer, honoring those who have been taken from us, and celebrating those who are now thriving after their cancer journeys.

Those are some good points for the day. And I’ll make a donation later today.

Wristband I wore during treatments. Photo by Mike Hartley

I kind of fall in that last category but I’m not celebrating. Nor does it feel right to celebrate being lucky while so many are engaged in difficult fights. I’d rather share compassion than celebrating my good fortune.

Oh, I’m trying to live each day well and don’t think that these events haven’t given me a special appreciation for life.

After a few years following the first successful surgery and good tests I was in a celebratory mindset. But a second cancer and a second surgery came along a few years later. And I wanted to celebrate but radiation was needed. It’s been some years since then but being tested often doesn’t lend my mind to celebrate.

I’ll celebrate when I’m a very old man, with grown grandchildren and having lived a long, somewhat healthy life.

Cancer still scares me. I don’t even like hearing the word. I’ve been one of the very lucky ones. I’m still here typing. I’d rather not tempt fate again.

There was a cancer support group at my job. It was a private Slack chatroom that was used to support one another. I miss that in both supporting others as well as getting support. I don’t talk to people about it much now.

NOTE: I’m repulsed at the thought of RFK Jr as Secretary of Health and Human Services.


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Reminders

My daughter sent me this photo from 9 years ago yesterday she took of me getting a piece of paper I have proudly hanging over my desk today. It’s not much really, a Diploma signifying I completed my radiation treatment at University of Maryland Medical Center. But it means something to me, so this was a nice treat from her.

I was so glad they came on this last day. We have a family photo that has a story behind it. The shot was in the same area but off to the side so it just looked like a family shot inside a building. My daughter put it on Facebook and a couple of old friends who hadn’t seen me in a long time and didn’t know I was going through the cancer treatments and made comments about how good I was looking.

I thought to myself well it’s because I was feeling the love of my family and probably had a nice smile. Having lost a few pounds it probably was an improvement. But I certainly wasn’t feeling 100%

Plus I got to ring the bell that day as those who finish up do.

Photo by Melissa Hartley

This radiation was needed after my second cancer surgery. I didn’t realize that much time had passed since then. But I can still remember that time in my life vividly. I only took a few weeks off after the surgery and was hopeful they had gotten it all.

But their recommendation was to also do the radiation a few months later. I remember driving from DC when I got off at 6am and heading to Baltimore for the treatments at 7:30 am – 5 days a week. I didn’t miss a day of work during what I remember was 10 or 11 weeks of glowing in the dark.

I guess I’m what you call cancer free. But that is an illusionary term as far as I’m concerned. It’s been 17 years since my first cancer and I’ve been getting tested yearly, or every 6 months or every 3 months since. So, it’s always there in my mind.

I feel very fortunate to have survived two types. I don’t feel so fortunate when the doctors increase the frequency of the tests or add tests.

Like many cancer survivors, I’ll be getting another test to start the new year. As I get older it’s getting harder not to spend time with some concern. A lot of the previous years I’ve had good success about not worrying at all. Maybe a little apprehension before the bloodwork or scans, but nothing significant.

I have had a few though that have been almost debilitating. Or inducing near panic attacks. This one feels a little bit in between. I have concerns, but I’m trying real hard to put them out of my mind each day and get on with living.

So, back to work I go. Have a good evening, all.


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Still Here

An email today from the V Foundation reminded me that June is National Cancer Survivors Month along with a few stats. I’m one of the fortunate 18.1 million in the US which is 5.4% of the population. Since 1991 the cancer death rate has decreased by 33% it reads.

I’m going to send a shout-out to the University of Maryland Medical Center and the doctors and nurses there who still have me walking around today. Thank you again.

So far, so good. Photo by Mike Hartley

I was talking to an old friend who has had medical issues also and the appreciation and thankfulness for each day is kind of a blessing we are both so glad for.

On the other hand, it’s like this shadow that moves behind you. It’s there but extremely hard to get a glance at it. You don’t know how close or far away from you it is. You don’t even know what it is but you feel that danger.

I hope it’s never or a long time before I’d have to go through those doors again. Photo by Mike Hartley

To my friends who have passed from Cancer, I remember you, I say your name. To my surviving friends, I wish you continued good health. I’ve donated already to the American Cancer Society which means I’ll have to get one to the V-Foundation also soon.

I just had a good idea of how to salute an old friend so I got to run and execute. Have a great afternoon.


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C Tests

The Daily Writing prompt asks today – What makes you nervous?

As I’ve gone through life tons of things made me nervous. First dates, getting married, raising children, advancing at the job, and many more. But with the benefit of time and experience comes a little wisdom.

Most of those things I was nervous about, always were improvements and taking the next positive step forward.

But today what makes me nervous is my health. Yeah, I know, selfish me, always worried about me first. Well if I’m not here I can’t do any good for anyone else, so there. I wasn’t nervous, in the least, for the first 5 decades of my life about my health.

Then one day you’re sitting at work in the morning, and the doctor calls and says you have cancer and I’ve made an appointment for you this afternoon at the Univerisity of Maryland Medical Center. Then a few years later another call and, another cancer.

Getting my cancer testing results gets me nervous. I get tested every 3-6-9-12 months depending on the results of the previous one. I’m not sure if life is like baseball, but I’m certainly not looking for my 3rd strike. That in-between time can be filled with unease if you let it.

This has gone on now for 15+ years and it wears you down. It’s mentally taxing. You try to forget about it in the time between the test but there is that date. And as that date approaches it’s not the bloodwork, the scans, or the other tests that cause the nervousness. It’s going to the office to speak to the doctor about the results.

The place and people inside that help me live. Photo by Mike Hartley

Like a lot of other cancer survivors, I’m guessing many have perfected the art of living each day in between better than the last. As the Header of my Daily To-Do list reads. “Make the rest of your life the best of your life”

But the voices and reminders are there for me and others. The surgical scars I see in the morning stepping out of the shower. The email reminders from the American Cancer Society of the V Foundation asking for more money. Other friends and family fighting cancer. Some stark reminders, like this week, that it’s so often a killer. And when your doctor starts to increase the frequency of your testing that anxiety level increases.

So I have a few months till my next visit. And I was doing pretty good till the daily prompt asked me what made me nervous and BANG like a sledgehammer, the reminder. Thanks, now I have to focus the rest of the day to get it out of my head again. Maybe you can be a little more thoughtful before asking questions like this.


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6 at a time

What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months? Asks the Daily Writing prompt.

An interesting timeframe to pick for this question. In just less than 6 months, a follow-up doctor’s appointment, and if I ring a bell again more tests and maybe more problems.

These tests are for an opponent that I have kicked its ass twice already. It was nasty and I have many scars from the battles and cancer messed me up pretty good. So the challenge is living like a normal person thinking everything will be OK and relaxing and enjoying the day as everyone else.

Or start to fret and try to cram in as much of life as I can into every day. I fight every morning to just relax and let life come or go balls to the wall to get all the stuff I want to accomplish and as much fun fit into every day.

While cancer is a physical battle it’s a mental one also. Once it visits you, your mind is changed. Your eyes start to look over your shoulder. You hear footsteps. Little whispers of caution. Some days it’s like this building drumbeat. You’re on edge. And while there are days you’re successful at pushing it completely aside, there are few, even when you are free of it.

There are constant reminders of the many people also facing the same battles, some of them family or close friends. And then if someone isn’t successful in their fight, it somehow seems to chip away at your armor.

There are medicines on your dresser. Lab appointment reminders. Medical insurance is a critical factor. Constant reminders.

As I look up just over my laptop screen is a pile of wristbands that I keep as souvenirs of past surgeries. They remind me to get out and enjoy the day and that I can survive. I have a ton of stuff from work about certifications or classes but I only keep one Diploma on the wall, from the University of Maryland Medical Center from the department of radiology.

You live from doctor tests to the next test. Hoping for the best news and a smile from the doc saying you’re good to go, fist bump and I’ll see you in 3, 6, 9, or 12 months. It’s those few where they say let’s run some more tests that give you pause.

I’m one of the lucky ones so far. So I’m very thankful. My Mom would remind me often when I was young that many are worse off.

So let me get busy living and doing what I think is important. I hope everyone has a great day also.

I can’t wait for the first warm sunny day to put the top down and point my Miata to the east and not stop till I get to the beach in OC.

Cast your line today. Photo by Mike Hartley


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In Rhythm

When life comes together and you feel that inspiration or surge of energy or clearness of thought its a great start to any day. And it feels like one of those great ones today. Health is everything and the morning has been good.

Musician on Main St in Annapolis. Photo by Mike Hartley

I was going to say its good to have appreciation for the simple things but health is anything but simple.

Life has turned into one endless series of tests. Ones that results sometime cause such relief, excitement and exultation like an umpire calling strike 3. Turning to the side, dropping to one knee and extending his left arm and then drawing it back while throwing the right fist forward to punch out the batter. (figuratively not physically)

And when the test results are the other way it completely changes your world. Things that were important a couple minutes before fade like a distant memory. Desires set aside years ago become priorities. Having had a few scares like that I’m focused on living those desires and dreams now.

But there are a few weeks each year that pending results kind of preoccupy my thoughts. I had gotten pretty good managing the daemons of the mind years ago after my first cancer, then a second cancer that didn’t go away after surgery and needed further treatment.

I thought I was free but test every 3, 6 or 9 months for years now tell me the doctors aren’t convinced.

Each day forward from there has been a sense of urgency never felt before. Desires to return to what I was I thought I might want to do in life before I took on a career in Newspapers. I was able to finally push work down the list. And a lot of other things.

My goal then was to make it to retirement and enjoy those years. So here we are and I enjoyed my first month immensely. I’m working hard at my passions. But here I am waiting for test results again. Trying to fight the instinct to stop creating and waste time wondering, worrying or wilting.

My thoughts become scattered. I sometime don’t finish listening to a song that I love before my mind will wander. I catch part of a conversation. I daydream and lose focus. A sudden onset of Attention Deficit Disorder.

The fight for control and to regain positive thoughts, creative energy and hard work. Because hard work in passions is good therapy for anything that ails you. So its back to work tonight I go.

Random Thoughts of the Day

  • Now that I’m reading more I enjoy moving my mothers bookmark along each time now.
  • I miss playing ping-pong. I’m going to have to do something about that.
  • When I listen to the Beatles music it takes me back to Art class in high school because our teacher would play them all day. I believe he used to start first period with “Here Comes the Sun” Thanks Mr. Perrine.
  • When I listen to RUSH I miss two people. A good friend of ours, Dan and Neil Peart.
  • A nice lunch out with my better half today.


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Fear

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it? So asks the last question of the month.

Nothing scares me more than going to the doctor for test results of my last cancer check. I’ve heard bad news a couple times in the past and I’ve been lucky enough to pull through both. But every 3, 6, 9 or 12 months I get tested and have been for many years now.

It terrifies me that something might have spread or a new one develops. I’m pretty good about blocking things out between test but a week or two before my appointment with the doctor, I can’t get it out of my head.

Love of Life is what it takes to keep me going back and back.

I hope I never have to go through those doors again. Photo by Mike Hartley


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Monday Missed

The workweek is off to a fast start. Hope I can keep the good pace of progress I set this weekend going also. My first thought this day turns to our brisk morning and strong breezes. An interesting change of pace from the early summer we were having that last stretch. It feels fresh outside after that light rain in the dark of night.

So I blink my eyes and the day has passed and the seat at work is warm.

It didn’t turn into the day I expected but that is the way things go sometimes. I had to think on my feet a bit and help a family member and an old friend with some wisdom, experience and advice. I’m glad to do it and I hope it helps in both of their situations.

Only time will tell if that can happen. I hope it does and in some ways it would be a great relief to many.

You don’t want to shred through all your money before your time is up.

Photos by Mike Hartley

Give it to me straight doc

That time of year again. The semi annual meeting with the cancer doc is this week. I guess its sort of like going to court and waiting to hear your sentence from the judge. But when you get your sentence the perspective from a criminal is reversed. You want LIFE. To only get a few years is bad news.

The times in between our cancer we are on parole. We have to report and be tested. Interesting how there are parrelles there also. What have you been doing since the last visit? Who have you seen? How are you feeling? Have you traveled? Are you working? What drugs are you taking?

I guess another example would be like a miracle drug cure comes along at the last minute to save your life. Sort of like getting a stay of execution by Presidetial Pardon.

It would be nice to have my previous two offences expunged and be given a clean bill of health one day. But I don’t think that day is this week. But I can hope.

And I remember each day that I’m a lucky one. I’m still here kicking after a few challenges. I’m feeling good while many aren’t and are suffering. I count my blessings each morning.

I think I’ll hit my lucky greasy spoon before going into the ward.

Random Thoughts of the Day

  • The shorter my hair is the more I can feel the breeze through it.
  • There is a logical explanation for almost everything. The issue is, a lot of us aren’t logical.
  • I wish I got outside more today.
  • I’m worried about one of my best friends who is sick.
  • If they could make water taste like Coke, I’d be much happier.


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Possible

All things are possible. Just not probable. But I will continue to believe anything I can get my mind and body behind is possible. I never had a strong belief in myself. Self doubt was more the course of thought. Therefore I didn’t take the opportunities at times in my life. I’m overcoming that and moving forward as everyone should.

Yaghting takes on many different forms. Some of us are very happy in 2 seaters. Photo by Mike Hartley

Today I’m optimistic about the possibilities. I’ve been working hard at populating my photo site. I’ve sketched out a few more wood carvings for my granddaughter. The camera batteries are charging as we speak and several more prints were made yesterday and the press is just getting cranked up for today.

So here is to creating something wonderful today.

Holy crap, I noticed I’m starting to get old people skin. Time to get this body taught again. Mission tighten up begins. I guess I should go read up on this. One thing that started that never bothered me before and that is the dry skin on my shins. I guess some lotion is in order for that.

Really the skin should tighten up as I get more fit so that will be a help but I’m wondering what other exercises might be helpful. I noticed it on my hands the other day when I was starting work. I stretched my arms forward and my hands upward. And I saw wrinkles I hadn’t recognized.

Funny thing to be scared of – When I had my first cancer almost 2 decades ago, we didn’t have hospitals and labs posting test results to you. If they did they were mailed. And if I remember right when I was offered that I refused. I didn’t want results without context and that is what the doctors are their to provide.

Now my blood test results are available the day after the test it seems. So now each day I think about opening it and looking but I’m scared that if its not what I hoped for I still have to wait several days till my appointment to see what it means.

I had been getting tested every 3 months for a while and they moved it to every 6 months after my last visit. But it really doesn’t matter. 1 year, 6 months, 3 months. Its the same cycle of that lump in your throat. Some test I seem to do a little better at not focusing on it and being relaxed. Some though really put me through the wringer.

I wish I could just set it aside and just spend the time at the appointment in apprehension instead of the weeks leading up to it. All I want is that sigh of relief till the next test is due.

Random Thoughts of the Day

  • I’d be accomplishing more if I was disciplined and organized, but I don’t think it would be as good or fun.
  • And despite not being that organized, I’m making boo ko progress.
  • First, there was the White Bronco. Today we had the Black Suburban.
  • It felt great to have shorts on today. I can’t wait for tomorrow when it’s going to be even warmer.


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Rest

This forest is how I feel today. All fogged in, at least my head is. So I made it a day of rest. Not often done but I realized I needed to or feeling worse would soon follow.

Can you see the forest through the trees? NO Photo by Mike Hartley

So a minimal post today about life. I belong to a group affected by cancer and a person in the group just lost a friend after a long battle today. Just the day before another person talked about their surgery and recovery and chemo treatments and how things looked very good and he was upbeat as well as the rest of the group with congrats. And those are the two extremes we live with, life and death. A list of percentages along the way. Good visits, difficult ones.

Sometimes the news of someone passing hits me and sometimes not. They all give me pause but occasionally some freak me out and I get scared. It’s not like we all don’t face mortality, just with cancer and some others it’s in your face a little more often.

So tomorrow I hope I’m feeling better and can get on with some of life’s wonderful opportunities and not spend it horizontally.

Random Thoughts of the Day

  • I am proud to have made it to the greying of America.
  • It’s time to throw out my Daily Dilbert calendar.
  • Ah retirement, that moving target.
  • Goodbye February, it was a good time.


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So young

I guess I work for a fairly large company. Not the biggest but certainly not small. A while back a number of us who have battled cancer or battling it or have a spouse or family member afflicted by it formed a chat group.

We lost a very young member of this group yesterday and I can see it’s given everyone pause. It’s the rude reality of cancer. It’s one we don’t talk about much. Treatments, medical insurance issues, the trials of recoveries, shared tips on what works and hasn’t, and many more. But death isn’t there till it happens.

Where I go. Photo by Mike Hartley

Just before that announcement, I was going to add a post to the group about having a good checkup recently and being moved from every 3-month monitoring to every 6 months because my scan was good and bloodwork had stabilized. It seems so irrelevant and out of place now.

Not all of us in this cancer chat have worked with each other or even met. As I said it’s a fairly big company, but we are linked. And when that happens words are hard to come by. Even for some of the professional writers in the group. No matter how strong you are, when you hear that news it stops you in your tracks.

And it activates that dormant box of fear we all carry and keep pushed way down in a place we don’t try to acknowledge, from the time the doctor says to you that you have cancer. The fear you might not be a survivor.

All I know is it breaks my heart to see a 35-year-old taken like this.


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Inspires

The timing of today’s writing prompt (Who is someone that inspires you and why) left me with two minds. I was thinking about family and friends that had inspired me. I thought of a few sports stars I’ve followed and then maybe a mentor or two I’ve had on the job. I thought about my parents. But then I got a text about an old work friend who was being given last rights and being moved to hospice. Ironically I had just written him a few hours earlier in the day. This news inspired me to select him because he has inspired me these last months.

Shrine of St Anthony off Homewood Road. I use this photo because he used to go to services here. Photo by Mike Hartley

Today I recognize the courage and faith an old friend displayed fighting brutal cancer these past several months. And I don’t use those two words (faith and courage) lightly. I never heard his faith waver. I never heard a complaint about the horrible things that come along with chemo and advanced cancers. As a good friend said to a few of us today “dying is hard work and he has faced things worse than death. I wish his spirit peace and freedom from pain.”

We worked together over 20 years ago but when I heard of his diagnosis I felt the need to reconnect. I try to reach out to others who have to fight cancer and help support and encourage where I can.

One thing he noted right away which is kind of unique but not uncommon in relationships with people who worked at PPC is that despite decades apart, we all pick up like we were together yesterday. So I tried to write often and now I wish I had written more because he said he enjoyed the notes.

Ahh, the old magic of the local newspaper days. I think the ease of these long-term friendships or connections to each other that are rekindled from time to time like close friends who were separated but never stopped loving each other. I think that was for a few reasons like the size of the company 300-400 people, the unusual amount of years we all worked together, and the passion for the work we did. But the final and special factor is that there just seemed to be a lot of special, caring, fun, and loving people there. And he was certainly one of them.

He’s inspiring me to live each day to the fullest. He’s made me think about doing things both professionally and personally before time runs out. He was a man that exuded life and that is a very good trait to try to emulate to fill voices like his that are taken too soon. A gregarious personality with a baritone laugh. A man of many talents and skills. A man that has me evaluating my own faith.

I used the picture above because he told me he went there to “focus on my soul and my faith.” I think I’ll stop by there on my next trip to Columbia and wish his soul well, thank him for his friendship, and that he be granted peace from this cruel situation.


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Waiting

I’ve been more active and not waiting for things to come my way. This attitude is making life better and more enjoyable because I’m living it more. But sometimes waiting is an important part of life. I waited patiently in line at Duchess Sandwich and Shake shop. And you know what, waiting in her line even inside is a lot nicer than waiting in a drive-through line at the chain fast food place is. Because most are locals. I saw two people today that hadn’t seen each other in a very long time run into each other there.

Looking inland waiting for me to return. Photo by Mike Hartley

We are all waiting for our turn for a vaccine. Parents can’t seem to wait to return their kids to school. There are people on the road who can’t wait. Had one today almost cause 3 accidents in like a quarter mile.

Today was also two contrast in waiting. There was no waiting at the lab today for my blood draw. I had made the appointment online. She got me on the first jab (which is another reason I like Quest Lab in EC) and away I went.

Now I wait for the results and the appointment with the doctor. That is a little longer. And I use this time in between to wonder about fate. Doctors can always talk about percentages but in reality, it’s one or the other. So a long time ago I stopped paying attention to percentages and only on results.

Fortunately, I’ve been able to have that sigh of relief for a few years now. That calm that says well it isn’t going to be cancer that gets me today. An appreciation that a bullet has been dodged. A smile slowly crosses my face that you don’t have to give anyone difficult news and can chuckle, embrace and hug tightly my better half.

I hope for that good news again at my appointment in February. But even though I’m waiting, even though my mind is doing laps, I’m moving on because that is what we do. We move on regardless.

Random Thoughts of the Day

  • You might want to make sure your heating source is ready for the next few days.
  • I’m so excited about tomorrow. But that is personal.
  • I’m starting to measure progress in how I feel about it not what others think.
  • The mind is preoccupied with thought.
  • This pandemic isn’t all bad. I’ve saved a lot of money on haircuts.


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ah yes, the year in review

Starting to see these “Year in Review” post come along and probably many more to come. Actually I enjoy them. Gives me a chance to catch up on some good things I might have missed. I thought about doing something similar but changed my mind or should I say style of doing my year in review. For I wrote a post called “Finish Lines” about a year ago that marked 12/17 as a milestone date to me. I went back and read it today. And while that post may have seemed a bit vague, this post will fill in the blanks.

Off the bench. Photo by Mike Hartley

Off the bench.
Photo by Mike Hartley

So instead of reviewing my post this year, I just want to note what a contrast life presents sometimes. And the gift that Life and some doctors gave me in 2016. From the beginning of 2015 to a year ago today Dec 17th 2015, I was dealing with a cancer on a daily basis. As the doctor says a very aggressive one. So surgery mid year was done but that didn’t get it all. It also made the conversation about the number of years one might have with this even more in my face after surgery failed to get it all. So I ended 2015 with a few months of radiation which also ended on this day a year ago 12/17 as my better half reminded me of this anniversary yesterday.

Before I even started the radiation they said it was a 50/50 shot that this would catch it all or slow it up. So I ended 2015 pretty down. To start 2016, I was sick as a dog from the months of radiation treatments. I had to wait a few more months till being tested to see how effective the radiation had been so even as I started to feel better physically, I had that uncertainty and mental worry. Every test I got in 2015 was bad news it seemed. Was this just going to keep progressing and leave me in and out of hospitals the rest of my short life? I was so exhausted from doctors and hospitals and treatments and appointments.

But my body started to bounce back, my spirits and hopes were alive because there was a chance and all I had to do was wait till April. Well thankfully the first test came back clear. So did the second one. And just this past week the 3rd one came back clear. So it appears I made it a year cancer free. Yes I was reminded, that I needed to be tested every few months still, no problem, that is easy. As long as I’m able to steer clear of hospitals and treatments, I’m loving LIFE.

But hold on. While that was nice I was busy living life this past year. My Son got married to a wonderful woman. A great time in my life. My Daughter and her husband brought their first home and moved in. I was able to stay employed for another year. I got my Will and other financial and medical affairs in order (something I should have done much earlier). I had a couple of wonderful vacations. Ballgames with my son and son in-law. I started to live and eat healthier. Even though by my post and the photos of food consumed some might disagree. But really, I eat things like salads now, maybe even the slice or two of tomato on the cheese-steak sub. But many more great things over the year with friends and family.

I’ve been able to continue to do this blog and hopefully spread a little joy beyond what I get out of it.

But today I’m asking myself why me. No in the sense of why me, why did I get cancer. But its in the vain of why did I get it and survive twice now, while most others have more difficult paths. To me its possibly a few things. My primary (Dr Eversley) didn’t stop investigating when I told him of a pain in my chest when I first had kidney cancer. So the team at University of Maryland Medical Center got me, (Dr Phelan) did the operation and that has been clear for over 8 years now.

But in late 2014 the primary again caught an increasing PSA. Back to the team at UMMC and Dr Naslund for the biopsy and then to Dr Siddiqui who did my surgery. Then over to Dr Amin in radiology. These men and their teams of nurses, technicians who treated me at UMMC have my utmost thanks. For you have given me healthy time and a great 2016. I know you work just as hard in every case. And I know things don’t always go as well. And I want you to know that I’m not wasting any of this life. For I recognize that I’ve been given another chance to live each day better than the last day.

But the other thing that has had a huge effect. My better half. She is a rock. I guess she was listening during our wedding vows when the priest came to the part about “in sickness and in health”. Because she has been there for me for both now, keeping my mental attitude right and supporting me in so many ways.

And of course my wonderful children and friends. I wouldn’t be here without this entire and wonderful team of support.

So while I’m thankful for a great 2016, I’m looking forward to 2017 and living and loving each day. I also hope to work now to help others less fortunate. Think I’ll make a donation to the hospital and a cancer foundation or two this evening. May all of you have the healthiest of New Years ahead.


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Steps to where

Steps into darkness. I haven’t taken them in a while and I hope to avoid them for a while longer. I like the positive train of thought I’ve been in for a while now. I’m becoming much more content and at peace with myself. I’m also doing more than I have in a long while also and that feels good. Now if this blood test comes back OK, I’ll be able to stay on this track and build on it. Momentum is important.

You can walk up steps but make sure they lead somewhere. Photo by Mike Hartley

You can walk up steps but make sure they lead somewhere.
Photo by Mike Hartley

That’s the thing about being sick for a while that I learned last year. When you don’t have your health it takes away your momentum. Yeah you can get it back for short burst but the appointments and treatments and physical changes your body is put through gets to your mind eventually.

I look back at my posting frequency during those times and I can tell I lost my motivation a lot of times. It’s not that I enjoyed doing it any less. It’s not that I didn’t want to (well maybe some days). I was trying to maintain a normal life. I worked most of that time at the job that pays the bills except for a short period after surgery. But I just didn’t have enough momentum to maintain all my interest.

But now I do and I’m going to do my best to get out and utilize it more. Never take for granted the ability to be mobile. Or go places. I’m not talking big trips. Just getting out for a walk, ride or run is a treat. Visit a different area of my county or state. Meet new people. Be friendly and have a smile.

So off I go again today, destination unknown, but I’m going. I’ll have to post a shot or two I was able to get in Westminster yesterday. Had a wonderful lunch with my daughter and a good walk. Life is great.

By the way, its good to see the country’s flag flying at full staff again. More days without tragedy are needed.


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Are you strapped for TIME

Well this clock is and we just found the perfect illustration for it. Actually just ran across it at our new office by accident. I guess someone was in a hurry to get this clock up for some reason and didn’t have any mounting hardware.

Seems like even when I’m off of the job that pays the bills, I’m still dealing with a packed schedule. Of course it’s packed with mostly nice things. Like having dinner with my daughter this evening. Or shooting and lunch with my son on Sunday. And spending some time connecting with my better half again after a series of hectic months.

Strapped for Time Photo by Mike Hartley

Strapped for Time
Photo by Mike Hartley

I think of time a lot now. How much do any of us have. What choices do we make each day in how to spend it. There is no answer till you don’t have any more, except for what you choose to do each day. But if you were to start thinking that time isn’t guaranteed, like after doctors visit, it changes your perspective.

I look back at almost the 6 decades I’ve been around and marvel at the time I’ve wasted. How I haven’t applied myself in things that I now hold important and dear. That I didn’t take on challenges that I now think I should have attempted. That I didn’t spend as much time with my loved ones.

And in simple things like watching the movie Animal House for the hundredth time. And then I started to weigh the enjoyment of simple things like that. How it may have been needed to just unwind from the stresses of life. And I stop beating myself up over it and just think about what to do with all the time a getting old Old Man has.

Like yesterday, I was faced with limited free hours between work for sleep, haircut, a viewing for a friends mother who just passed, and several other pressing errands. So I get up early, shower and bolt out without even a bite to eat. And I walk out to a flat tire. Well being my back isn’t half of what it used to be I had to take my time with the tire change and then get that to the garage for a new tire I’ll have to pick up today. And that isn’t in the schedule either.

Still managed to get a haircut after that, hit the bank and other errands but I missed the 2-4 viewing time I had hoped to attend. Well I did the 6-8pm and I’m so glad I did. It would have been easy to blow off. I felt like hell even with some significant pain relief meds. Because I saw many people who brought many smiles and good times to my life. I got to say goodbye to a Mom who shared their home and yard with me. Not to mention their fine children.

You know, relationships that sometimes go decades without being replenished and then you see people you barely recognize. Sometimes those occasions just get the handshake. But this group gave hugs as almost all my friends do. Three people especially. One of the daughters who I haven’t seen in almost 4 decades. We have kept in touch recently, because we both fight cancer. That always is a special bond. Then I saw her brother who was my best friend in my early school years. We hugged strongly. Then another old friend from the neighborhood. When I extended my hand also because I haven’t reconnected with him in almost 4 decades he says to me “Mike, I’m sorry but a handshake will never do” and gave me a serious hug.

This was just another day to make me realize how special all the time in my life has been and that maybe I didn’t make many wrong decisions on how to spend my time or with who I spent it with. Yeah there are significant mistakes in time management along the way. Working way to hard and for free for people who didn’t appreciate it. Spent a lot of time in my youth drinking way to much. I haven’t spent enough time with my wife and family or friends at times. I spent far too many hours keeping my yard in pristine condition.

I didn’t post yesterday as I had hoped to do. But the decisions I made yesterday from the time I got up, in the time I had, were good ones. Here’s to good friends and a long life.


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A welcome Friday and 2016

Boy the holidays come and go quickly. A strange one this year but glad to be here as always. This was the first year we didn’t celebrate Christmas at our home. I missed going to the larger family celebration because of my health.  I was glad to share a kiss and tear at the dawn of the new year with my better half. I heard my children’s voices, better yet, saw them on New Years day  I didn’t see my friends but I’m going to cure that miss today.

Cancer

Friday January 1st marks a special beginning and end for me. I am going to take off a cancer wristband I’ve been wearing from October to now. It is from the University of Maryland Medical Center Radiation Oncology department. I’m going to hang it with a diploma they also gave me for completing treatments 2 weeks ago. While I have spent my life learning, I have very few pieces of paper to show for it. Let me tell you though last year has been a lesson and a half. And that is why I hung that up on my office wall with the hospital wristbands of previous surgeries. One 7 years ago for my kidney cancer and one in 2015 from my current cancer.  They are kind of like my badges of battles fought. Also thanks to my family who wore these bands also. I could feel your support.

Wristband I wore during treatments the last few months. Photo by Mike Hartley

Wristband I wore during treatments the last few months.
Photo by Mike Hartley

They (doctors) told me I would feel worse for a few weeks after treatment and of course they were right again. But I feel like I started to turn a positive corner yesterday. I feel like this will be the year that things go right again. That appointments will yield good news instead of bad. That good time will be well spent with family and friends instead of canceled vacations or events. That I can dance at my Son’s wedding. That I finish my first book. That this blog becomes something worth viewing and reading. That I finally win the fishing contest with my best friends. That I get a new lens for my camera and make wonderful use of it. And a host of other wonderful wishes.

So here is to a year with minimal doctors visits and lots of fun. For all those who have this nasty fight.

Random Thoughts for Friday January 1st 2016

  • At what point will those who have greed in their hearts and no respect for life win out over those of us that do value life and not money?
  • Is that cold weather I feel today? I’m not ready mentally. I know my body isn’t ready. Solution = Hibernation.
  • OK, I think I’ve seen enough college football. Uncle
  • Day one of treadmill complete.
  • I was going to say something witty about having two days left to prepare for the work week again. Instead I’m thinking I’m fortunate to have a job to return to.
  • Well off to some early morning (pre-sunrise) photography. Have a great day all.


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Finish lines

I reached a personal finish line Thursday. One that took some time and effort. One that took a toll on me and those around me. One I hoped to have never embarked on. One that showed me I have a lot of people who support me. One that is testing my strength and resolve. One that reminded me of a lesson on the first day of a few month journey, that my Mom taught me when I was in single digits age wise. (there are always people worse off than you, so smile and be thankful for your health).

For at the beginning of the race, I saw a young girl. I could see this was not her first race. She was bald and had one of those roving medical Xmas trees full of bags and ribbons leading to her. But what I saw was a young girl full of life. She had a game and was smiling and laughing like this was the best moment of her life. Mom at her side, she seemed so strong, active and happy. What a wonderful example she set for me at the beginning. She showed me the light I needed to jump that fence.

Sunrise on fence near Edmonson Village. Photo by Mike Hartley

Sunrise on fence near Edmonson Village.
Photo by Mike Hartley

I’m very excited about 2016 and making it a grand year. The opportunity to work hard on so many ideas, goals and desires is enough to put a smile on my face a mile wide. For I no longer classify things like that as work. Yeah it will take hard work to accomplish them, but it won’t feel like work while doing them. For they are task of love in some cases. Sometimes making something for a loved one. Sometimes the love of finding the image that makes me happy as well as others. The love of stringing together words that mean something to me and maybe others.

The chance to craft a stone into something that might endure time. The chance to get my parents images documented and organized for my family. The chance to fill the walls in my office with images. The chance to maybe pull a group of work together to exhibit or enter some local shows. The chance to update this blog each day with interesting and beautiful content. The chance to build that mural I’ve had in my mind. The chance to see others work and words shared digitally and in person.

A year or so ago I started my own company with the thought that would become my business after I retired or was put out to pasture by my career job in Newspaper/Digital Publishing. Well if I’m successful yes it might become a true business because it would be nice to leave my family with something more. But success is going to be measured in a far different way than when I went into it.

Success is about taking that opportunity each day in front of me to use the tools I have to create something special. If I have worked hard that day, I will feel satisfied. If I look at it and like it, I will smile. If others look at it and smile, I will feel accomplishment and success.


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Where to

For some reason when editing some shots the other day, I stopped when I came across this photo. I almost threw it out. Some might think that was a good first thought. But anyway, photography makes me think. I relate events or emotions to images I take or come across. The more I shoot, the more it inspires thoughts and sometimes my writing.

Steps in Ellicott City. Photo by Mike Hartley

Steps in Ellicott City.
Photo by Mike Hartley

The first thought I had when I paused a moment to look at it was, boy this sums up my year in some ways. It certainly started out in the bright glow of an early morning sunrise on the top step. You know that feeling, your strong, you have peak energy levels to attack the day. I felt like I was standing on that top step in the bright sun and on top of the world. I had everything.

But instead of the steps going up, they were going down this year. No problem we all have years like that sometimes, but I was still in the sunshine of the day. As I took that first step down though, I noticed that small shadow to my left. That was my spring where doctors visits began and the endless test.

The next 2nd step was a larger one than the first. But I still feel that sunshine and I feel strong. And I take it firmly but there is that shadow, and its larger and coming towards me. That was my early summer and surgery but a strong comeback was made from that and I’m still in the light.

But as I glance down to take my next step the light has gone grey and the shadow is large. There is a covered hole in the ground ahead and someone is going to pull the lid off it as I take the next steps. This is my late summer and early fall. So off to another set of doctors and treatments.

My world changed at that point. It will never be the same but it will be better in some ways. For as I stepped in that hole, I managed to catch myself with both hands firmly on the edges and I’m going to pull myself up and out of it and be ready to open the door to another and hopefully healthy new year.

This year has taught me much. I have an increased sense of appreciation for many things and people. I have become at peace with myself and have a confidence that I didn’t know I had. I prioritize better in some things. I love more deeply. I listen more intently. I watch and look for more to see. I know I’ve been blessed with a great family and friends, so I spend more time on those relationships. Also I’ve opened my mind to maybe taking better care of myself first instead of having that barely making the top 10 list.

So off I go to find photos to help me tell stories or express feelings and hopefully get that positive flow of life back. For the sun is finally out again for a few days so let’s get on with life again.

Random Thoughts for Saturday December 5th 2015

  • A lot of things can make life better. Just allow yourself to act on them.
  • Pain is an interesting perspective changer.
  • Stella Notte in Ellicott City is a place for a very good meal.
  • Life – make it work for YOU.
  • I think I need to take more chances this coming year.
  • Luna Bella in Hickory Ridge Village center is quickly becoming a favorite place to eat when visiting good friends.
  • My goal today is to get off my ass and photograph and write. And of course love anyone I see along the way.


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Another day, another chance

Well my doctors at UMMC have given me another day and another chance to appreciate life.  Just made it home on Monday and starting to recover from my second cancer operation. And while its easy to focus on the pain and ask the question why me again, I find myself relaxed and thinking how fortunate I am to have such great friends, a very loving family and talented doctors that hopefully have made me cancer free for the second time. At least that is the hope, I’ll know more next week.

Barn frame from 1970 off Gorman road from what scribbling I had on the slide. Photo by Mike Hartley

Barn frame from 1970 off Gorman road from what scribbling I had on the slide.
Photo by Mike Hartley

It has reminded me of lots of feelings that I had when diagnosed the first time with cancer over 6 years ago. It was a wake up call that I only paid partial attention to. And by that I mean I started to change and focus on the important things of life but as time went along and the years passed, I lost the focus that I had and failed to follow through with some thoughts about changing my life in a number of ways.

So I’ve been given another chance to do the right thing. Lets see if I can follow through this time. I’d like to first complete the book I started to write my children about 5 years ago. Next is taking better care of my body and mind. Some of the material things I thought about back then don’t seem to be important now. But goals like becoming a writer, artist and photographer are still there and I hope to use this forum to really get moving on those.

I did work a lot on becoming a better father and husband each day and I need to continue that and even increase that effort. Because becoming better at those each day is a great goal that needs work every day.

Oh, and if this rant doesn’t make sense, blame it on the oxycodone pain killers. They let my editor and proofreader go early.


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Manic Monday

Sometimes my mind feels like these wild onions on Mondays. But I never know which one I will get. The one in focus and electric in the foreground or the unfocused and fuzzy one in the background. Actually cancer gives you a bit of both each day. It helps you sort out what is important in life and focus on those things. But at the same time it defused everything else. Time becomes kind of twisted. You have trouble focusing on the task at hand. Sleep becomes erratic. The mind is like an overtaxed race engine running at peak rpm in a race that doesn’t end until everyone collapses in exhaustion.

A wild onion and his friends. Photo by Mike Hartley

A wild onion and his friends.
Photo by Mike Hartley

The thing that I have noticed in this round of cancer is that I find it affecting my patience more. I used to try to find a middle ground in situations but now I find myself standing at the extremes at times. And I don’t care to be there because I don’t consider myself indifferent or aggressive.

And while I couldn’t be more impressed with the state of medical technology/knowledge/experience and all the treatments that are offered, I have learned that each one of us is like our own individual medical library or more precise “Experiment”. For each of us are so unique and the possibility of infinite variables even in the “known” areas is staggering.

I marvel at the skill and knowledge and constant progression a medical career takes. It makes me think of the dedication it takes to keep treating each patient as an individual and not as a number on an assembly line.

But what I marvel at is there is NO certainty that anything you have done medically is completely effective or without many risk. You learn those things clearly when you go through “the process.” You know, I think that needs to go in the book as one of the top things that can happen in life. For someone to go through LIFE and skip “The Process.”

Howard County FOOD – 

We have been eating at The Canopy the last few decades and have always enjoyed it very much. Well technically we don’t eat at the Canopy because its pretty much a carry out, but you get the drift. I’ve sampled just about every menu item they offer and its all very good. Of course I’m a fan of the pit beef but I also have favorites in the pit ham, baby back ribs and beef ends in BBQ sauce. And of course the Ocean FRIES. I always order my fries “crispy.”  The coal slaw is great. Oh yeah, try the wings and potato salad.

About the only thing I haven’t had there is the crab soup. And I think I’ll remedy that next week. But if you want the cream of crab, that is only on Friday and Saturday’s.

The Canopy Photo by Mike Hartley

The Canopy
Photo by Mike Hartley

Random thoughts for Monday June 15th.

  • Don’t ever forget to tell your family and friends how much you love them. That would be a horrible regret to have at the end if you miss the opportunity.
  • You don’t learn by walking away from problems.
  • While it’s always nice to look ahead and think about all the change and wonder in the future, I prefer to live in the here and now.
  • Now that I’ve worked 5 decades I’m left wondering what the hell these management schools are teaching people?
  • Driving is very fun. Driving to DC is not fun.

Another slide from my parents below. I believe it was dated 1953.

Lady Liberty Photo property of Threw Mikes Eyez

Lady Liberty
Photo property of Threw Mikes Eyez


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Baltimore on a Sunny Monday morning

Had a few minutes between some medical test this morning and decided to shoot a few images around South Greene St and Redwood. It was a warm and humid morning, typical of Maryland weather. I’ve been spending a few more moments down here recently after discovering I’m going to have another fight with cancer. But as a friend said to me when I informed him, “you beat that shit before and you can whoop its ass again.” Now this guy is a Marine, so I guess I shouldn’t argue with him.

I’m hoping to change my luck and had breakfast at my good luck spot Kirbies.

This recent diagnosis had left me kind of stunned. And it paused me from doing the work I like. Writing and photographing. Because it was all I could do to keep up with appointments, my job that pays the bills and trying to go on as normal which is always busy in the spring with the yard and home chores gearing up. But really it was taking my spirit away. So after shooting some for 3 days straight I feel like I’m starting to get on with life again. I always feel a sense of accomplishment when shooting. Writing on the other hand is still an adventure, but now I’m inspired again to finish a couple of writing projects I started the first time I was told I had cancer.

Anyway, I did a few street shots to go along with the two buildings I’ve spent some time in and will be in the near future. The two buildings Physicians Center on Redwood and the University of Maryland Medical Center house some special doctors, nurses and staff. And I thank them for my past care and future care.


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Cancer, I curse thee

Lost my brother in-law today who was diagnosed with brain cancer recently. He had a great laugh and one that won’t be forgotten. He had an energy when he spoke to you that you could feel. He had a passion for his work and pride in it and went at it over 100% all the time. He had an opinion on everything and had the ability to cut through crap.

He was a character, and one that could sometimes cause you pause, or leave you in stitches with laughter. We were both a bit edgy so maybe that is why we got along well. Shared things like weddings, passing of parents, children’s health issues, married life and work stories all filled the last 3 and a half decades. He was an easy person to talk to. When we would catch up it pretty much ran the whole list of what we were up to.

He was far to young, but cancer knows no age limits. It takes young and old. It’s a non discriminating disease. It can take you in an instant or over a period of time. So the best revenge one can have is to live the best possible life each day. And I will try to remember to do that in his name and others, this year and in the future.